Porn, thrusting hairy man-ass, and lans.
Ok, my last few journals have been all serious and big and thinky. This one (and its a two parter) is purely for the cheap seats.
I’ve been at most of the lans round this country at some stage or other. I’ve noticed a phenomenon, a sort of ritual thats emerged. Call it a male bonding rite of passage. I dunno. Its the "lets watch pr0n in the middle of the lan. Together." thing.
Can someone explain that to me? I mean WTF is with that?
Its quite a spectacle to watch (the nerds, that is… not the porn). It unveils it self in a weird sort of ballet. Theres the inevitable, giggling, "oh my mouse slipped and look at this!" start. Then the crowding begins and an eerie silence descends as, to a nerd, they watch.
Always in the same position, arms firmly folded accross their chest…eyes fixed directly on the screen, not looking sideways or making eye contact.
There are no words to this ritual. No "phoar look at knockers on that one". No no no, its much more intellectual then that. Each divx is carefully and attentively view in much the same way as I imagine the judges at the Academy rate the oscars. I full expect that at any moment one of them will gasp in astonishment "that, is a fine piece of cinematography, just look at that lighting!". Each of these curious creatures thinking the same thing: How can I slip away to the jacks without anyone noticing? A riddle without answer which binds them all to the spot. Mermerised. Desperate to leave yet transfixed.
Walking by and seeing 20 guys standing, arms folded look at some hairy man-ass bobbing up and down has to be one of the most disturbing things you can see. Look, there is only ONE reason to watch pr0n. Sex. Probably wanking but gratification of soem kind. Got it? Ok. Good. So long as thats clear. You dont watch it for the characterisation, for the plot, the script or the costumes (such as they are). And you SURE AS HELL dont watch it with other people unless you are going to make f**key with them soon afterwards!
I’m on record as saying I dont like porn. I dont. I’m not at all adverse to erotica but 10 minutes of some anonymous body part thrusting into some another anonymous body part dubbed over with bad moaning and swedish light music is not what gets my rocks off. If it works for you HEY… knock yourself out! In fact, knock one out for all I care.
But here’s a hint guys. I’m just saying this for your contemplation. Make of it what you will:
ITS NOT THE NEXT ****ING CPL SPECTATOR SPORT!!
End of part 1.
DeV.
June 23rd, 2003 at 11:50 pm
lol tbh
June 23rd, 2003 at 11:55 pm
aye, though i believe you could set it up with judges, points for masturbation technique, style, aim etc.
….i’m gonna shut up now.
June 24th, 2003 at 12:02 am
Heh, I remember boys getting, erm, nervous, when I walked in on one of those occasions.
June 24th, 2003 at 1:39 am
scratches head..
you enjoy typing the Subject, Dev :p
June 24th, 2003 at 9:07 am
oh, i thought they all sat around and discussed the whole thing afterwards.
‘yeah, i like the way britney spears is into a bit of double penetration myself’
why would you go to a lan to view other peoples porn?
or just sit there and look at porn all day?
lans are about being social, having fun, meeting mates, making new mates, playing a few games, getting drunk, and most of all just having a great time.
/me shakes head.
June 24th, 2003 at 9:12 am
Ah porn, you just can’t beat it! DeV, if that happens again you should stand in the middle of the group and after everyone has calmed down and really gets into the flick – when an awed silence crosses their gaze – say "anyone mind if I jerk off a bit?" or "Hey… guys… we should try this out on each other here, right now". That’ll kick them out of their lustfulness! They’d be so scared they’d jump back on their computers and get back to playing those computer games that you talk of. People still playing pac man these days?
June 24th, 2003 at 9:14 am
ROFL
I don’t get group porn watching myself – and now to go along with that, I have immensely disturbing images…
June 24th, 2003 at 9:27 am
I don’t know what’s more disturbing – the people who stand around watching porn together, or the people who sit quietly in the corner and watch it alone…. *cough*amp*cough*
That said, on a couple of occasions I’ve been at LANs where the porn has gone on, and it’s descended into genuine hilarity – one memorable occasion being when someone dug out a really bad Spanish hardcore flick which featured the blokes shouting "Ole!" repeatedly and the classic dodgy-spanish-accent line, "Ahh, you like the big deeck, uh?"….. I mean, when you get down to it, a lot of pornography IS pretty funny
June 24th, 2003 at 10:18 am
When I started reading this post I was starting to think I was about to here about the fabled legend of "soggy biscut" …If you dont know it, Im not telling it.
But some one should make up something like that.
June 24th, 2003 at 1:47 pm
I knew my name would get dragged up here. I think Shinji should wear a t-shirt with "AMP WATCHED TEH PR0N AT MASONLAN!!1"
In fact, I see a whole range of merchandising; branded toilet roll of course, some lubricating jelly, a fiendish device that allows self stimulation without the public being aware. All of which are branded with "AMP WATCHED TEH PR0N AT MASONLAN!1"
And why fixate simply on my famous watching of pr0n at Masonlan? Why not talk about all the other things that went on at that private lan? Eh Shinji? Shall we dance? Shall I post up some pics of others watching pr0n at that event, or has that fact escaped you?
In fact seeing as Dev has brought up such obviously illegal stuff to do with lanning why don’t we talk about ALL the illegal stuff that goes on at lans?
Of course, nothing illegal happens at lans, this is all just lies. Nobody trades mp3’s or warez or entire series of Scrubs eh? No underage people drink at these events. Not at all. No narcotics are smoked either.
It’s all just good clean family fun. Lets just hope that at the next big lan we don’t get some suprise guests with search warrents eh?
Oh I’m overreacting I know. Nobody in the Garda would be reading this column, just like Esat and Eircom don’t read Ireland Offline.
And at the end of the day, highlighting this immense problem at lans is a good idea. It’ll get lans back to the roots, gaming. And while we’re at it lets ban Playboy et al from the shops and get back to just newspapers. And no sweets either, just newpapers. It’s called a Newsagent ffs!
In fact, why stop here, let’s re-instate the Catholic Church as the main power in this country!!!
June 24th, 2003 at 2:42 pm
Sooooooooo, does anyone else think the lady doth protest a little too much?
June 24th, 2003 at 2:52 pm
yeah… along the lines of "oh nooo , its toooo big!". I’m glad I put him in a Carmen Miranda dress.
As for illegality at lans. What people do with their computers is their own business. If they want to swap files with each other, fine. We took a responsible approach to it at Megalan and the lan was *definitely* focused on games playing.
I’ve been at lans where porn ended up on the overhead. Thats not escaping the Catholic Church, thats not being "liberated" or expressing yourself sexually and freely. Its some cock, banging away and its a throwback to gaming being for spotty adolescents.
Its not that we shouldnt talk about it, its that we shouldnt tolerate it being public imho… it may be fun and games to some people but if you were a female gamer how would it make you feel?
June 24th, 2003 at 3:17 pm
Like a kid in a candy shop.
Shinji – 2 words: "Pr0n" "Molly"
Simply the funniest gobbles I’ve ever seen.
Molly and the Preacher:
"Oooh, yeah child, can you feel the Lord?"
"Yes preacher, i want to be saved!"
Molly’s Birthday:
"I’ll just pop these invitations into everyone’s letterbox"
[carelessly loses all the inivitations from her open stachel]
[enter 2 bikers]
comic genii
June 24th, 2003 at 3:45 pm
Can I just say… Syxpak… WTF?
*boggle*
DeV.
June 24th, 2003 at 3:52 pm
i think amp is defiantely defensive on the whole issue.
tbh.
June 24th, 2003 at 7:08 pm
Trolls about things I’ve apparently (but haven’t) denied aside. I think the issue I’m trying to get at is why this journal is aimed specifically about pr0n.
Why not about mp3’s or divx’s or anything else? Dev does not moan about the playing of these things at lans, nor people crowding around to watch them.
So this isn’t really about pr0n at lans. It’s about pr0n in public. The Lan angle is there merely to appeal to a certain audience.
This is why I brought up the newsagents reference. Here’s a newsflash: pr0n is everywhere. People like it. It’s the number one industry on the net. We’re all a mere 2 or 3 clicks away from it.
People don’t have to gather round someones pc to view pr0n. They’re not forced to. Sure if the title in question had sound and was connected to speakers, that’d be a problem because of noise polution.
Lastly, if I was a female gamer (and it’s possible that eventually I could be
) and I saw pr0n at a lan, I’d probably be disgusted and angry.
If I was a music producer or in popular band and I went to a lan and saw my music video’s singles being traded for nothing, I’d probably be disgusted and angry.
If I was a character from Scrubs (Jd, middle of series 1 please) and I saw my comic genius being transferred around for free, I’d probably be disgusted and angry.
But we’re not going to focus on those things because pr0n is seen as morally wrong. Because the people in them are *shock* *horror* naked! And having sex! OMG! It’s so filthy and dirty and should be hidden!
So lets cut the crap. Lets not dance around the issue. This is about the morality of pr0n and nothing more.
DEV FOR POPE 2003!
P.s Regi, this ****ing edit box is too damned small
June 24th, 2003 at 9:38 pm
But we’re not going to focus on those things because pr0n is seen as morally wrong. Because the people in them are *shock* *horror* naked! And having sex! OMG! It’s so filthy and dirty and should be hidden!
Um… I did say that you should take it home and whack off to it… I just think that bunchs of 20 somethings standing around watching porn and *pretending* they are only casually interested in it is funneh!
So lets cut the crap. Lets not dance around the issue. This is about the morality of pr0n and nothing more.
Thats only because you’ve heard me argue that I think porn (and I draw a distinction between porn and erotica) lessens the human spirit. I believe that. I dont think some anonymous body part getting slammed into another one is all that erotic and I feel actually lessened as a person if I have to watch that.
I think the love scene in Last Tango In Paris is a classic piece of erotica and thats about as *****ed up* as it gets (ok unless you have Koopa’s horse-pr0n). So dont give me the "DeV doesnt agree with me… he’s in league with the Pope" routine :p
Goddamn I write 4 big thinky journals and all I get from you people is jokes in the comments!! I write one journal strictly for laffs and we have the Nuremberg Trials … lol!
DeV.
June 24th, 2003 at 10:03 pm
GOD DAMN! BEN AND JERRYS CARAMEL CHEW CHEW ICE CREAM IS TEH ****ING WIN! 10 OUT OF ****ING 10! WE HAVE A WEINNER!
Anyway, so yeah, pr0n…. hang on sec..
/me drops pants
(I think better this way)
So essence then, I have won. I am victorius. I have won the argument. Fought hard, won well. WIENNAR!
And another thing. You love porn. Yes you do. You call it art though.
It’s all about the definition baby.
Memo to self: cut back on [b]illegal[/] (< - OMG!!!1) drugs
Memo to self: slag Dev about being Pope more often
Memo to self: do photoshop of Dev in Pope costume, pope mobile, Pheonix Cross etc..
Memo to self: buy milk
Memo to self: kill fridge monster RARRR!
Memo to self: are we there yet?
Memo to self: have in-depth discussion about the philosophy of drugs as it relates to artist endeavour
Memo to self: OH NOE! I R TEH RUNNING OUT OV TEH MEMO’S
Memo to self: kill off DG2K3 alternative personality asap
Memo to self: more Pope stuff……
Memo to self: maybe some jesus
Memo to self: bless the baby jesus
NEXT TIME ON TEH AMP JURNAL: WHAT IT WAS WHAT IT WAS WAS WAS IT WAS TALKING ABOUT!
June 24th, 2003 at 10:29 pm
And here we see a perfectly executed "alternative definitions" escape from losing an argument.
My word. Marvelous!
DeV.
June 25th, 2003 at 12:06 am
Thing is, I don’t think Amp was ever actually arguing with anyone other than himself….
June 25th, 2003 at 12:14 am
/me translates above:
"Shinji pets amp"
June 25th, 2003 at 12:26 am
must…. resist….. turning……. discussion….. into…. big…… laugh….. because…… im….. embarassed….
June 25th, 2003 at 12:47 pm
God… the gangs all here!
DeV.
June 25th, 2003 at 2:03 pm
Oh no! Wmmans hurtful jabs are hurtful! Quick, I must go to my journal and vent it all via verbal dirorhia while gently sobbing!
June 26th, 2003 at 3:14 am
What’re the bets someone shouts out "that is one fine piece of cinematography, just look at that lighting!" at the next porn-convention… er LAN?
June 26th, 2003 at 1:23 pm
lol Pie… I’d be chuffed if they did.
Next time I’m going to stand behind the monitor and watch them watch it. An excerise in anthropology if you will…
DeV.
June 27th, 2003 at 12:02 am
What’re the bets someone shouts out "that is one fine piece of cinematography, just look at that lighting!" at the next porn-convention… er LAN?
Galway Lan 6 here i cum
June 27th, 2003 at 1:28 am
Secretly film it Dev, could earn you an Oscar for the stunning insight into the life of the nerd.
Oh and the facial expressions would be pricelessly funny.
July 1st, 2003 at 12:58 pm
oh dear.
the melodrama on PI seems to be catching.
i must have forgotten to add a non offensive smiley to make things all better.
perhaps a group hug is in order so that we can all be friends again, and all these silly remarks can stop.
July 1st, 2003 at 5:50 pm
WWMan… would that include that silly remark? :p
DeV.
July 1st, 2003 at 6:27 pm
naturally